Yesterday I had the dubious privilege of gaining my first exposure to the ongoing train-wreck that is the TV show called Toddlers & Tiaras. Everything about this show makes my skin crawl, my stomach churn, and I fear puts a murderous glint in my eye.

I was in the men’s locker room at Planet Fitness getting ready to go for a run and, inexplicably, the TV in there was tuned to T&T. Usually we are treated to football analysis and the like, but apparently yesterday we needed to be urged to hate humanity.

After five minutes of Toddlers & Tiaras, I am confused. I can’t figure out why this show even exists. Sure, you can’t tear your eyes away from it, but the entire time you’re watching self-hatred is burgeoning and a desolate opinion of humanity’s redeemability is hardening.

So why does this show, this visual representation of humanity at its meanest, lowest, most despicable level, even exist?

I have a few ideas. Let me know if you think I’m correct with one of these, or feel free to add your own ideas in the comments section. Let’s pass this around and see if we can come to a consensus.

1. We as a race wish to die and we have somehow become convinced the Death Star is orbiting our moon, so we are giving them a reason to blow us up. Bring on the death ray.

Please, Emperor Palpatine, you’re our only hope.

2. We are worried that an alien race that exists as only consciousnesses is planning to take our race as hosts, so we figure that if we show we are totally useless as a species, the alien race will move onto a more viable host. Like chickens.

Cluck, cluck, baby.

3. Our culture really enjoys watching televised child abuse. We’ve demonstrated amply our enjoyment of watching adults abuse other adults and act like children– remember how there is actually more than ONE show called “The REAL Housewives of …”.

How are these parents even living with themselves?

Guys, these toddler pageants have a SWIMSUIT competition. There’s nothing right about that. Nothing.

Zero. Nada. Zilch.

4. This is a deliberate plan to keep track of the worst psycho- and sociopaths in our society and keep them focused on only destroying one life rather than going on murderous rampages.

*    *    *

What do you think? Why does Toddlers & Tiaras exist? If you’ve seen this program, please feel free to explain yourself. If you like this program.. tell me why quick before you off yourself.

Share This

Jared Garrett

Author of the Beat Series

Toddlers & Tiaras