100 Days of Positive

Posted on May 7, 2012 by jaredgarrett

I attended LDS Storymakers 2012 from Thursday to Saturday of last week. It was a very revealing experience. I learned a lot about my writing/craft and myself.  I will sum up what happened

Thursday was boot camp, which means it was 5 hours or so of intense workshopping. Five of us gathered around a table with a ‘pro’, each of us with our first 15 pages of our project. We read aloud while our tablemates read along, and then gave instant feedback.

My table had some very fine writers. I read last and it was clear everyone really enjoyed the first 2 chapters of Beat. Really a lot. Feedback was on very discrete issues. I was assured it was remarkably good, intense, and had great potential. Deron Fraley, our table’s ‘pro’, was extremely complimentary and I am grateful that I had a chance to meet and get to know such a good guy with obviously excellent taste.

Thursday was a great day and I felt more validated as a needy writer than I had in quite some time.

Friday I had a pitch session with Kirk Shaw of Covenant Communications. I’d never done one of these things before, so you would think I would prepare more or differently. I actually went to see The Avengers on Thursday night, getting home at 3AM, without having my pitch polished yet. I spent the next couple of hours making sure I felt good about it, then caught about 3 hours of sleep.

I made it to the pitch session right on time and had a nice visit with Kirk. I’d first met him two years before at the 2010 Storymakers conference and we’d hit it off pretty well. This is because he’s extremely good people and it would be impossible not to like a guy who loves good stories as much as he does.

I pitched Servant of the King to Kirk and he asked me to send him a full manuscript. Over the moon didn’t even begin to describe how I felt. Two days in a row of people showing actual interest in my work as a writer. I was no longer working unnoticed. It felt like this was my conference, my year.

My beloved, dear, wonderful, supportive wife was right there with me. I love her so much for being so transparent in her belief that it was about time her husband got some appreciation. I have no idea what I would be without her, but I am sure I would not like it. I can see this woman going to bat for me for eternity and that image stirs me.

Saturday would be the announcement of the chapter contest winners. I had entered twice, with Beat and with The Cabin. I had worked hard on them and felt particularly good about The Cabin’s entry.

I didn’t even place. I had to tell myself all that morning before the announcement that it would be fine if I didn’t win or even place. I could handle it.

I couldn’t handle it. I was insanely jealous of those at my table and in the room who won or placed. I was skunked, totally and completely, again, just like in 2010 and I felt so broken, so stunned, that I went blank. I shouldn’t have put so much weight and meaning on this contest, but I really wanted the third day of the conference to just build on the momentum and I needed more validation, more notice, more confirmation that my writing was worth doing and was good and people wanted to read it.

I left the room, got my feedback, and found a quiet alcove. I read through the feedback. Beat had done pretty well; three out of the four reviewers really liked it and gave it high marks. The other reviewer clearly didn’t like it at all.

The Cabin was shredded. This book is about me, or about parts of my life and how I wish I had dealt with the death of my brother and life and events in the Foundation. But the first chapter was shredded. I felt gut-punched, floored, totally worthless as a writer.

I thought this:

The boot camp went well because Beat is exciting and we got to the second chapter where things get ramped up. Kirk hasn’t seen my writing; he just heard my idea and the story of Servant of the King. He doesn’t know whether I can write, but I guess he’ll find out.

What if I just straight up don’t have the chops? After years of trying to really hone my craft, learning about character, plot, goals, tension, conflict, prose– maybe I just suck after all. 

I think I’ll just give up. Why do I do this to myself anyway? The money and time and worry and effort– I could be a lot more relaxed and chill without this novel-writing thing. 

I think I just don’t care enough to work hard enough to make this work.

I wallowed.

Of course, my version of wallowing is to sit and play Angry Birds for three hours. I got home and, before going inside, spent a few minutes reminding myself I was not allowed to take out my frustration and sadness on my family. I think I more or less succeeded, with a few hiccups. I wanted to fling myself on my bed and just lay inert for hours, days.

I laid down for maybe 20 minutes, then medicated by furiously doing laundry.

Hotness and I talked about it a little at dinner that night (we went out to Tucano’s, since I’d received my free meal birthday card from them). She was great, as always.

Since then, I’ve wallowed for a minute or two here and there, but I have to accept that it’s not in me to wallow with any real dedication. And I don’t think I could ever stop writing, stop trying to get better, stop trying to get my stories out there for people to read. I do need to work on my motivations for that writing, though.

I still feel like crap. I’m still very disappointed that I got skunked again, that what I thought was a great first chapter for The Cabin was, rightly, shredded. It really wasn’t that great.

But this has brought me to a decision about how I’m going to deal with feeling low and depressed. I’ve decided to try a project I’m going to call 100 Days of Positive. I’m going to do my very best to bring only positive energy to my family and home, particularly with my kids. If I’m having a crappy day, I’m going to turn around and make some other people’s day better.

Why? Because I have no desire to live a humdrum, boring, depressing, wallowy, black hole of a life. I want to make my life and the lives of others better.

I invite you to do the 100 Days of Positive with me.

On Twitter, any updates on this effort will be tagged with #turnaround. Please feel free to participate and report on your blogs, Twitter, and Facebook. Don’t forget to spread the link love!

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Resolution Check-Up

Posted on April 18, 2012 by jaredgarrett

The year is nearly 1/3 done. How am I doing on the goals I made for this year? Here they are:

1. Write and polish a short story, then submit it to Writers of the Future.

I have not done this yet. I will be sure to get started on it by the end of May.

2. Finish my 4th novel, Beat. 

I did this. Check!

3. Rewrite my first four novels until they are ready for submission.

Heavily into this. Beat is nearly ready and I am now working on The Cabin.

4. Get enough sleep. I have been living with a sleep deficiency for 20+ years, with a 2-year break while I served as a missionary in Brazil. This is going to change. It has become quite clear that the single most important thing I can do for my overall well-being is get enough sleep.

I am doing significantly better with my sleeping habits. I go to bed more often at a reasonable hour and have been able to get up and get work done in the morning. I also am not nearly as dozy at work as I had been. 

I can still do better, so I’m still working on this. 

5. Sign with an agent.

As soon as I have two books polished, I will do this. I also hope to start making connections at LDS Storymakers this year.

6. Give my all to have at least one book deal by the end of 2012.

If I’m not giving my all yet, I’m getting close. I feel great about this resolution and love feeling like I’m using my time based on my values.

7. Look for and vocally recognize something positive in each of my family members every day.

I have waned on this and will do better. Sorry, family! 

8. Continue to improve in my daily scripture study.

Weak, weak, weak. I need to and will do better with this.

9. Watch my mouth.

I get intermittently better with this, but lapse sometimes. I’m committing to this right now; I will take more care with what I say.

10. Improve my income by at least 10%.

Garg. Still working on this and having trouble getting bites on my CV. I spend time each week looking for improvement in my employment, so I know it will pay off.

11. Go to the temple a minimum of 20 times.

Very much on track for this goal. I’ve been 8 times and am gradually gaining a real love for the work done there. 

12. Lose 30 lbs by running at least one 10k, a 5k in 20 minutes, and a half marathon by the end of the year.

I am a slacker and have allowed myself to get derailed. It’s very difficult to find time for running, especially with the multitude of other things that demand my time and attention. It seems like if I am making time to write, I don’t have time to run, but I know I can do better. I will run twice this week and report back.

So that’s my resolution check-up. How are you doing with YOUR goals for 2012? Time’s a-wasting, so get on it!

 

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Peel It Off

Posted on April 11, 2012 by jaredgarrett

A boy with a horrible name
which he might have deserved
had a l(ord)ion tell him that to get better
it would hurt but he had to peel it off.

Layer by layer.

Peel off the scales of greed
of vanity
jealousy
temper

Peel it off

And rise again from the water
still broken and frail
still starving and pale

Peel it off.

Don’t you wish you could peel it off?
Peel off yesterday’s angry words
and make them sink into a pool of forgetting?
Peel off age-old, unforgiven hurts
and drop them into burning redemption?

Nobody wants to be a dragon with a hurting wrist.

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I Believe in Miracles

Posted on April 8, 2012 by jaredgarrett

True, mystical, awe-inspiring miracles. I believe they’re real. I believe there’s more beyond rationality and reason, more beyond the five senses.

I believe there’s another sense, a spiritual one, and that too many in this world have forgotten completely how to use it and trust it. Which is a shame, because I believe it’s the most reliable of all the senses, when honed well.

I believe that Jesus Christ was actually born in something like a barn or cave for animals, since there was no other place for Mary and Joseph. I believe He was a real person. I believe that He was the literal Son of God made in flesh. I believe that He knew that for much of His life and that during his ministry He made some very close friends and some of them became His disciples.

I believe that those disciples tried hard to believe and have faith in Him, in who He said He was. Because as C.S. Lewis pointed out, either Jesus Christ was a crazy man or He was exactly who He said He was. There’s nothing in the middle.

I believe that He felt very lonely on that night of the Passover. He was with His friends, His closest of friends. He had to pray, to talk to His father, yet He knew he would be betrayed. And His friends could not stay awake, even His three closest friends couldn’t stay awake, due to the lateness of the hour. I believe that this hurt the Son of God in mortal flesh- that He felt even more alone.  I believe that this was part of His ordeal, and that He willingly submitted, no matter His feelings.

I believe that there came a time in a garden called Gethsemane that Jesus Christ prayed with every part of His mortal and godly soul, interceding on behalf of every human ever to live, redeeming us from a fallen state and making full salvation and exaltation possible. I only somewhat understand that Atonement and have experienced its fundamentally transforming power in my life.

I love Him so much for His Atonement.

I believe that He willingly submitted to cruel torture and indignities, was put to death in the most humiliating and painful way, and was later set in a tomb with a stone in front of it.

I believe that when Mary Magadalen returned to that tomb two mornings later, she found it empty of her beloved Lord, the stone rolled back. I believe that the risen Jesus Christ, having exercised his godly power over death and retaken his life, visited her and comforted her in her grief.

I believe she felt awe, wonder, worship, gratitude, perhaps some fear, but overall a life-changing faith in the power of God and His Only Begotten. I feel that when I contemplate the phrase He Is Risen.

I believe that this unbelievable, impossible, phenomenal miracle of Christ’s Atonement and Resurrection is a fact of this universe. I believe it is real, because the one sense that has led me most right in my life has confirmed to me over and over again that it is real.

It’s Easter, a pagan name for this holiday. I love that. I think it’s wonderful and silly and maybe symbolic and totally fine. You may believe what you want, how you want, and where you want. I love that we all have choice and I choose to love you and not really care to argue with you.

But I celebrate the miracle of Jesus Christ’s resurrection on this day. He rose from death. It is the miracle of all miracles.

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If I Can Kick Caffeine…

Posted on April 2, 2012 by jaredgarrett

what CAN’T I do?

I have been uncomfortably noticing just how much sugar I consume. I’m a bit of a chocolate Zingers addict, to be quite honest. I love sweet stuff: ice cream, hot tamales, skittles, chocolate milk.

I love it so much and I use sugar in many ways as a therapeutic substance. I get to have sugar during stressful times. I find that if I deny myself of sweet things in the interest of losing weight, cravings increase fast and then I pretty much binge.

I imagine that describes more people than just me.

But there was a time that I spent much of my day with these thoughts somewhere between the front and back of my mind: When’s my next soda coming? When do I get another Coke Zero? How much soda can I drink today and justify that it’s okay?

So when I decided I had to stop consuming caffeinated sodas, mainly because I was certain it was exacerbating my tinnitus, I just up and did it. I had finally made the decision that reducing my tinnitus was more important than drinking Coke Zero and Cherry Zero. It was cold turkey and by gosh it was hard, but also very simple.

I’ve decided it’s time to do the same for sugar. I don’t like my mood swings; I don’t like depending on sugar to make me feel a certain way; I don’t like just how much sugar I consume when I justify it enough. I worry a bit about diabetes, although the rest of my diet is so good that I don’t worry a lot.

My motivation is to prove to myself that I have no addictions. I’ve conquered caffeine and other, harder, addictions, why not sugar?

Every day that I don’t eat sugar as a therapy or as a habit or out of a craving, I win. I will eat dessert with my family and with my wife, because that’s important to me in a different way.

I can do this. I know I can because, frankly, conquering the other addictions I’ve dealt with was indescribably difficult, but I’ve done it.

You will notice the progress bar for this challenge there on the right of the page.

Today is April 2. This all starts tomorrow. July 11th is 100 days after tomorrow. My goal is to not allow myself to eat sugar due to a craving, a mood need, or for any reason than as a dessert with my wife or kids. And even then, I will eat in moderation, not in momentum.

If I fail a day, I start over.

Please encourage me. I’m a little scared.

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